wife's checklist

A Wife’s Checklist

If you find the door ajar when you come home tonight,
Don’t kick the dog,
Check the fridge, your dinner’s waiting for you;
Heat it up, and please, wash the dishes after eating
I won’t be there to clean after you.

I left your fresh socks up in our bedroom,
The rest of your clothes are still in the laundry;
Pick them up after dinner
Oh, and please empty the trash can as you go,
It’s been breeding roaches and mice the last time I checked.

Rent is due next week,
You’ll find the money on your desk
Use the change to buy a carton of milk for Tom-tom
He’s been feasting on coke and rootbeer lately,
You know that’s not good for his health.

The plumber’s coming over tomorrow morning
To fix the leaking faucet in the kitchen sink.
Keep on eye on him,
Never fully trust a stranger even if he looks harmless
Scoundrels come in many shapes and sizes.

You don’t need to talk to Tom-tom
To explain everything
I already did it for you.
Besides, you wouldn’t know what to say
He understands me more than your leather belt.

You need not trouble yourself with the legalities
I hired two topnotch lawyers to take care of that
The annulment papers would be delivered to you next week
You don’t have to read them
I just need your signature.