Thursday, September 27, 2007

swollen

Five days after I banged my forehead on a glass wall at the company party, I could still feel it slightly swollen. I was way too drunk to recognize who laughed at my booboo. I didn’t care, really. If it had happened to any of them, I would’ve guffawed more boisterously. All I knew was that I hit the damned glass wall too hard because when I turned, all of them were looking at me. And possibly laughing, too. I wasn’t sure. At any rate, it was a swell party that left my forehead swollen. Funny, but that’s exactly the image that flashes in my mind when I think about that party: swollen.

It started docilely like a prayer meeting as people arrived dressed in black, white, or both at the hall decorated with black and white balloons. Obviously, it’s a black and white party. But I love stating the obvious, so there. The chandeliers were deliberately not turned on. Only tiny downlights provided soft, sleepy incandescent glow to the whole place, which, at that time, seemed more like a fund-raising event in the country club of botoxed matrons. Anyone can look like a botox image model without booze. At that time, wine wasn’t overflowing yet, it was merely trickling, droplet after seductive droplet.

A chocolate fondue fountain was flowing by the entrance, which was flanked by two buffet tables laden with miso soup, sushi, sashimi, tempura, and some other Japanese mutations, blueberry cheesecake, some really tasty noodle thingie, and fish, I think, and some shit, hell, you can’t expect me to remember what the heck they served there. I puked them all out five hours later in the restroom at Starbucks, after having asked for directions from four unbelievably sober officemates at the other table, who, seeing that I was as bloated with booze as a lactating cow’s udder (wouldn’t it be nice if udders squirted tequila instead of milk?), coaxed me to speak French. The American goaded me to speak Tagalog. Freak show mode. But I digress. Where was I, oh yes, the party. At dinner, my wine glass magically filled itself up every time I emptied it. I made a mental note to remember who catered this party. If ever I would throw a party, I want my guests to do the backstroke in a pool of wine. Later on, somebody from HR passed around vodka in a funky bottle that looked like a dildo. I just gulped whatever was handed to me and continued to dance like a hippopotamus with a bad case of hernia. Did I mention I had colleagues who are part of bands that have regular gigs? There, now I did. So there, I danced, hernia and all, and I only have a vague recollection of who exactly I danced with. All I remember is that they were either in black or white. I dragged one of them up the stage where we danced some more, and yeah, there were cameras all around. I whored for the cam whenever I saw one. I borrowed a white, feathery halo from one of the organizers and wore it the whole night. Horns would’ve looked better on me but I don’t want to be a walking cliché. When everybody else was losing all their inhibitions, I decided to keep mine intact and pretended that I was holy. One wore a stuffed panda on her arm, one wore a white wig, and the big boss had a huge Afro. And I mean nest-of-a-fucking-ostrich huge! By this time, I had no idea what songs were being sung by the performers. All I knew was that I was dancing and camera-whoring. I grabbed the camera from a friend, went up the stage, and photographed the singer’s bare foot. I don’t know what else I took photos of. For a while I felt the place was bobbing up and down. That was the time when I was jumping. Or was I? Maybe everybody else was, except me. I gulped some more wine and downed the fresh glass of vodka given to me. Yup, the place was really moving. This was the swollen part of the event, I guess. From there on, it was pretty much downhill. Some people were already leaving to continue the party at some club. I caught the managers line-dancing onstage. I was too wasted to notice the other wasted people around. I hugged some coworkers goodbye and headed out to Starbucks to puke. At the coffeeshop, I was the only one who was that drunk so I shut up and dozed off as they took pictures of me, which are now plastered all over the Net. At some point, I remember having said that I would never drink wine again, ever! But of course, we say stupid, nonsensical things when we’re drunk. And that’s my standard line whenever I feel like puking. At least, I’ve learned my lesson. And I’ve learned it hard. Glass doors and alcohol don’t mix.

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35 Comments:

At 10:29 AM, Blogger Sidney said...

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”
-Ernest Hemingway-

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger dionne said...

party animal!!! :D

 
At 2:31 PM, Blogger aryo said...

So that was you?!!

He he. I have lost count of the many times I lost myself in the middle of pools of booze. Just like you and many others among our ilk, I resolve not to ever get wasted again. But that of course evaporates the very minute a bottle of my favorite nectar gets passed around. Moral of this discourse? Stop counting and just party!! :-)

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger joyfulchicken said...

I wish I were at that Starbucks. I would have pointed you to the counter and laughed my ass of as you throw up all over the baristas.

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger liam said...

"beer, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

homer j. simpson

 
At 12:32 AM, Blogger ie said...

I've learned my lesson too. There's one very tiny problem though. I tend to forget it when I'm given beer. :)

 
At 11:08 AM, Anonymous pat said...

it's ok to puke at starbucks. that's what they're everywhere for. and don't swear off alcohol. it's not nice to lie.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Jay said...

Work parties are just inherently evil, I think.

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Major Tom said...

What a party! What a night! Makes ask myself how come I wasn't in one of such raucous night?

 
At 4:25 AM, Anonymous chelsea said...

im like a four year old high on sugar when im drunk. but i do have my limits as well. usually, i just pass out when ive had too much.

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger Jap said...

i envy you. =)

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Rey said...

eversince I experience puking out of drunkeness in high school, I swore I will never get my hand on another alcoholic trip again. But when you're ok and sober, you tend to forget those feelings and went on to drink again. so time and time again I swore only to break it as many.

Now I'm tired swearing. i just sleep.

 
At 5:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

checked out your profile.

[The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?

i won't drink it. i'll mix it with flour and sugar until it becomes pasty and shove it up my ass like a suppository.]

silly question. you're supposed to trick the one you're madly fixated at into drinking the potion right?

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Jeff - Reiji said...

embarrassing moment + party = reminded of that certain incident when I was high school I wouldn't want to happen again. =)

 
At 4:50 AM, Blogger slim whale said...

sidney -- the fool in me comes out even if i'm sober

dionne -- sometimes, hehe

aryo -- and i have stopped counting. let's just all party and shatter those damned glass walls

joyfulchicken -- i'd love to puke at starbuck's counter. i don't drink coffee anyway. hate it so much.

liam -- that's why i love homer simpson

ie -- to hell with lessons. let's just all drink. hey, maybe we can down some beers one of these days? and learn lessons from the experience.

pat -- right, not good to lie. that's why i'm looking forward to my next drinking spree. which might come after a few months as i am so busy these days.

jay --- oh yes. that's why i like them so much.

major tom -- not yet too late. parties such as these happen all the time.

chelsea -- oh, i don't want to pass out when i'm drunk, lest i wake up without any clothes on. which may not be such a bad thing, really

jap -- they still don't allow alcohol there?

rey -- yup. also tired of making such stupid promises when i'm drunk. make sure you puke first before you sleep.

anonymous -- I believe the question is "how will you drink it?" which implies that i have to ingest the potion somehow.

jeff-reiji -- this is something i would want to happen over and over again.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Abaniko said...

At least you puked on wine and not some cheap beer. That sounds classy enough. Hehe. But I think it was the vodka that did it.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger Jap said...

especially now that it's Ramadan.

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger rebel_heart said...

this was funny in so many places but one . [= cheers , you !. ( err . no pun intended ) hope the swelling's gone down .

rebel_heart

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger weng said...

hahaha! what fun you had there!

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger {illyria} said...

one hell of a hangover you got there. no update and all. :)

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Should we be worried? Are you okay?

 
At 3:04 PM, Anonymous bingskee said...

i have a not so funny experiences with booze. the first time i got drunk, i was rolling and laughing on the bed. though it's a good feeling - to be laughing - i almost puke on our bed. good thing, i still have the wits to go down and do the thing towards the sink. that was a shameful experience because my son saw me unclogging the drain with a finger - pukes and all.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger ie said...

see you on the other side of this hiatus. :)

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

buhay ka pa?

 
At 12:08 AM, Blogger Jap said...

Hi, Slim. Still beached? I keep checking your blog if you've found your way back to the ocean. I hope everything's fine despite your silence. Miss reading you. =(

 
At 12:12 PM, Anonymous FruityOaty said...

I'm sorry, I should be commenting something about your inebriated state... but I'm picturing the description of the food:

"chocolate fondue fountain was flowing by the entrance, which was flanked by two buffet tables laden with miso soup, sushi, sashimi, tempura, and some other Japanese mutations, blueberry cheesecake, some really tasty noodle thingie, and fish"

I had a light supper... and I'm kinda hungry right now.

 
At 12:53 AM, Blogger fruityoaty said...

Oh, I already commented on this a while back...

Hmm, I wish you'd write more often.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger mello said...

you love making us miss you , huh . q= hurry back and write something already !. [[= happy *belated* xmas & new year btw . oh and , YET ANOTHER url change . click below ?. xo

(formerly) rebel_heart

 
At 12:36 PM, Anonymous FruityOaty said...

I came out of my long blog hiatus, hit my blogroll... and I see you still haven't updated yet. :D Oh well.

Miss your stuff. Come back for an update.

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the saddest part is when i came to your last entry.

would you like to keep us update?
i'll check every now and then til i feel your presence.

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger R.J said...

hahaha looksl like u had a blast at the party. Hope ur 'swollen' sore head feels better.
been ages since i dropped by here...gotta catch up on more ;)
tc..

cheers

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger bismuth said...

where are you fishbowl swimmer? you need to post again. it's been too long. need to read some good stuff again.

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Ana said...

chriscroix!!! oh my gosh, i suddenly miss you man! nice one...i was laughing my ass off...let's get together sometime. i'm in solair now...

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous mello said...

PLEASE blog again ?. ]=

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Ang Lolo Niyo said...

Magpost ka na! Bilis! [demanding]

 

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