Thursday, March 16, 2006

nightmare

My greatest nightmare is to face a blank computer screen, my brain desiring so much to write something, but not finding the right words to articulate my thoughts. That’s exactly what has been happening to me lately. Like a bodybuilder whose muscles have bred ennui because of the same boring routine, I sit here, deliriously mad with ideas, not knowing how to etch them on my computer. Sure, I’ve had times when I simply rambled on aimlessly. But this time, it’s different. The mind yearns for intercourse, for rhythmic undulations of quivering bodies, for cautious explorations of crevices marinated in sweat, saliva, and other body fluids, and finally, for an ecstatic release, to squirt its creamy load in liberation, feeling the sudden mad rush of guilt, passion, love, pain, and ambivalence all shooting rapidly up the temples, into the dendrites, around the cranium, through a labyrinth of neurons, and then bursting out of the ears like dislodged ear wax. How can one contain something like this? How does one manage to live while harboring a raging monster inside, shackled, as it were, by the chains of inarticulateness? Would that my mind be as prolific as my butt which does not need any provocation to fart out its sentiments for the whole world to get a whiff of.

Time can be as tricky as a philandering lover. One moment, it makes you feel that you own your faculties, the next moment, it slams you with the realization that you are nothing but a pulpy blob, shaking stupidly like a slice of jello. Or it might fool you into believing that you have something to say, when in fact you are merely brewing mush, some ill-conceived, half-baked, better-left-unsaid ideas that you thought once glimmered with ingenuity. What is ingenuity, after all, but a rehashed idea of another repackaged to look more enticing to modern sensibilities? What can be said that has never been said before? Ideas are only exhumed from the bowels of putrefaction. With the mass of intellectual protons already swimming about in the air, it is too presumptuous to think that I can still contribute anything, that my unarticulated thoughts would push humanity onwards, heal our society, and guarantee world peace, I thank you. Those idiotic beauty queens wishing for world peace may have something more valuable to say. At least, they don’t mask their thoughts with pretentious language. That’s just that. No frills. No confusing rhetoric. No winding locutions. No blogs to eat up precious bandwidth. No ideas, just borrowed spiels from those who wore the crown before them. No shackled monsters. No thoughts. No gods. No empty computer screens to fill with nonsense. Just a tabula rasa.

Blank.

Empty.

Like this nightmare.

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29 Comments:

At 7:08 AM, Blogger RennyBA said...

I found you're blog through you're comment at Chas's blog and that you was asking about the Norwegian group Secret Garden. Here you have their official webpage: http://www.secretgarden.no/ I love their songs too!
By the way: You have a great blog too :-)

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Saint Eroica said...

hmmmm.... how about a little inspiration or angst to fill that void? i'm sure you have more than you could imagine there in your closet! mwahahahahahahaha!!! btw, i've been having regular text sessions with cj... he's ok... ;)

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger cruise said...

after read your post, eh.. magaling ka pa rng magsulat!...

normal naman ata writer's block (yun nga ba tawag dun?) pero sulat lang, tapos edit mo nalang later... matatapos mo rin gusto mo isulat..

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger alphafemme said...

oh my. i suffer from that nightmare a lot.

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger Abaniko said...

Wala ka pang naisulat sa lagay na yan, ha? Paano na lang pag biglang sumulpot ang muse, e di pang Palanca na talaga ang piece mo? :D

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous bingskee said...

and you said, not finding the right words to articulate my thoughts... grabe na 'to... ga'no pa kaya kaganda if one is inspired?

What can be said that has never been said before? in your blog, i discovered things that i have never read before...

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger Sidney said...

I guess you can always participate in the next Mr. Universe contest! ;-)

 
At 1:19 AM, Blogger sweetskittles said...

That nightmare sure has inspired you. Look at what you just wrote - it's remarkable.

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger rmacapobre said...

sometimes at work i play a joke on my officemates. i loosen up the power cords to their monitors. its funny to see them go ballistic .. hee hee hee

 
At 4:48 AM, Blogger Chas Ravndal said...

hello!!! jepp I know about secret garden as well. Anyways, in my case it starts from a good dream then ends with a nightmare.

 
At 11:27 PM, Blogger slim whale said...

RennyBA--hey, thanks so much for the site. i think i've already visited that. i just love secret garden! they're just great! thanks for dropping by.

SAINT EROICA--my closet has stuff that will shock even myself! great source of inspiration, really.

is cj still with phil women's university? i think i saw him in one of the computer shops there but i'm not sure if it's him. can't recognize him without his blue hair, hehehe. send my regards to him.

cruise--thanks. yeah, writer's block. palagi ako meron nyan

alpha-femme -- everyone does. and it's hard to get out of it sometimes...

abaniko -- kapag sumulpot ang muse, i think we'll fuck first, and then i'll write.

bingskee -- nyeks! articulateness came in pathetic spurts for me. hope this won't last long

if you read my private journals (yup, i do maintain another journal that's purely for my eyes only), you'd read about stuff that, i'm sure, you'd never seen or you'll never ever see in your entire life. hahaha. that's how weird and wild i am.

sidney -- if they have a needle weight category then i guess i'd try joining. :)

sweetskittles -- i hope the nightmare doesn't last. really hate it when i can't seem to write about exactly what's tussling in my head.

rmacapobre -- now you're giving me an idea. hhmmm, peut-être, je l'essayerai un de ces jours.

chas -- yeah, i figured. cause you're in norway! :) i even wrote them asking if they'd be dropping by the philippines during last concert in korea. but apparently, they don't have much following here.

really love them.

dream that sours into a nightmare, that happens to me all the time, too.

 
At 12:28 AM, Blogger Abaniko said...

Do you think after fucking the muse (I know you secretly wish for muses---mutitudes of them), you still have the strength to write?

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger slim whale said...

to hell with writing. sex is more important!

:)

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger bismuth said...

i love your rhetoric. it makes me wallow in my own writer's block with a smirk on my face- knowing that i do not waste bandwidth alone.

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Jules said...

slim, sabi ng nakakatanda, pampatanggal writer's block ang pagjajakol... hahaha...

 
At 10:09 PM, Anonymous bingskee said...

that's not a surprise to know..

 
At 7:13 PM, Anonymous elsa said...

hé beh... l'angoisse de la page blanche se traduit en langage moderne par l'angoisse de l'écran blanc ou vide...
J'espère que tu vas bien.
Elsa

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger slim whale said...

bismith -- bliss. let's all waste bandwidth. it's better than wasting paper. save the trees

julsitos -- nagjakol na ako, iba ang lumabas eh, hindi ideas.

bingskee -- goodness, is that how transparent i've become in this blog? :) i should try to be more discrete next time.

elsa -- salut!!! oui, l'angoisse de la page blanche a été remplacé par l'angoisse de l'écran blanc!!! merci pour m'avoir appelé! ça m'a plu beaucoup! je suis content de savoir que tu ailles bien malgré les manif contre le CPE à Paris. héhé. Raconte-moi ce que passera pendant le Festival du Théâtre à Grenoble. bisous...christophe

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger sweetskittles said...

Still stuck with your writer's block nightmare?...hope you'll have another entry soon. =)

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger basangpanaginip said...

nightmare = tuyong panaginip

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger Chas Ravndal said...

hmmm... i am looking forward to a new post!

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger RennyBA said...

I know you love european cafés and tomorrow you can read about my trip to Paris of the North in my blog :-)

 
At 12:16 AM, Anonymous jera said...

hi kristoff! lu has been raving about your blog so here i am. ill link you up, if you dont mind? btw, both our blogs have the word "fish" in it... except mine is more.. uh... superficial. hehe. wala lang. :-D

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger vina said...

i just chanced upon your blog and all i can say is...write some more please. i enjoyed reading your posts.

 
At 2:37 AM, Blogger ie said...

people die for an original idea. but an original idea does not guarantee change. it just verifies intellectual greatness.

but this post, i'm sure, brough about change. however minute. but i'm certain it did. and it does. and it will.

write again. please.

 
At 2:55 AM, Blogger vioLetfiSh said...

just adding to the clamor for a new post..

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger Static Brain said...

And the clamor for a new post grows louder.

 
At 12:33 AM, Blogger glorieuxorgasms.blogspot.com said...

Grossich!!!!

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger simon said...

well written, affectionate, and interesting blog.

if you ever get the chance, come visit me

Best,

Simon

my blog is http://nastypredator.blogspot.com (not nearly as menacing as it sounds :-) )

 

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